My mantra

On my front door I have posted the following which was written by a Sesame Street writer, Jeff Moss.

On the Other Side of the Door By Jeff Moss

On the other side of the door
I can be a different me
As smart and as brave and as funny and strong
As a person could want to be
There's nothing too hard for me to do,
There's no place I can't explore
Because everything can happen on the other side of the door
On the other side of the door
I don't have to go alone
If you come, too, we can sail tall ships
and fly where the wind has flown
And wherever we go, it is almost sure
We'll find what we're looking for
Because everything can happen
On the other side of the door.

Not a bad way to aspire to live!

The rare pink Fenner

Shitty news today about a camper that I used to adore. I found out that his cancer is back. this poor kid is 8 years old, has downs syndrome and has cancer. It is just not fair. At times like this I wonder if there is a higher power and what the f+++ are they doing???? Honestly. People wonder why their faith is tested. It is at times like this. I am just so sad.

some people......

In an effort to be politically correct, a friend of mine has been so incredibly incorrect. The e-mail recently sent after her 30th birthday party read:

"Hi there-

I have written all the thank-you notes from some lovely presents at my b-day party… but there were 2 bottles that did not have cards- I would like to thank you properly! Could you please let me know if you brought the bottle of
1) Reserve, Perrin Cotes Du Rhone
2) Coonwarra

Then I can write you a proper thank-you note!
Thanks-"

Abosluntely appaulling. I thought like claiming both gifts as mine, as she had specifically asked for no gifts. Way to make me feel bad for abiding by her wishes.

Unbelievable.

My favorite desert - Petit Fours from Patachou in Toronto. Ordered for a baby shower!!!! 

A beautiful shower cake that I had made for a baby shower. Full of butter and cream with fresh organic, edible flowers on top! So good! 

turning 30

At the time that I feel that my life is slightly out of control, I am alerted to the fact that in 141 days I turn 30. I am not scared, frightened, etc. that other people my age feel, but I do feel that I am not together enough to turn 30. Some other as enlightened bloggers, like me feel the same way. Some of my favorites are:

http://www.blacktable.com/ajbirthday.htm "Ten things to excpect after you turn 30" Depressing but I sense true

http://www.handbag.com/relationships/yourlife/turning30/ "A survivors guide to turning 30" - I'll have to revisit the must do list before the day of the birth

Here are two, there will be more.
P.

Hearts from www.breakupgirl.net

Anti v-day pics

does this sum it up or what?

Financial Hell

Well yes, I am in debt. It sucks and I can't get out. I have a credit card debt that I don't even want to talk about ($9000 if you must know) and I can't do anything to make it better. I am trying. I feel like I am sinking and can't get out. How did I end up like this?

• I like to shop, but have not done so, since the early fall. Not even a new pair of underwear. Ok, I did buy one swimsuit bottoms before I went away for christmas, but that is it.
• I moved, which cost me a fortune more than I thought it would September 2005($2000, I think)
• I had a tooth issue in spring 2005 ($4000)
• I had to pay two months of rent at once in September 2005 ($2500)
• I have upped my RRSP contribution to 6% of my gross pay because of a new matching program that my firm has. I know that this is a good thing, but f+++, It hurts every 2 weeks
• I am donating $1800 a year to a charity of my choice (good will yes, a burden currently, yes)
• I have fixed costs of close to, if not over 2/3 of my net pay every month even before I pay my gas ect.

What I am doing about it?

• no dry cleaning
• no extended cable
• very little eating out - which is hard, as this is how I socialize
• no cabs - walk, subway or drive
• no extra curricular fun that costs money
• no fun

The bottom line is that I am going to have to ask my dad for a loan. How much, I am not sure, maybe $1000. I am going on holidays to Florida with my friend Rosie and I just had my Florida fund eaten by a rent cheque that I didn't realize had not gone through in October. F+++!!!! I am so stressed out that I am not sleeping. I wish I was not eating, but no such luck. Anyway I have to do it this week and it is freaking me out. I have never asked to borrow money before. Not so fun. Wish me luck, oh little blog of mine. I need it.

Princess

Valentine's Day rant

I hate valentine's day! Yes, pink is my favorite colour, but on a day like yesterday, it makes me want to vomit! I hate it.

It is like someone invented the holiday to make all of those of us who are single to feel badly for ourselves and guilty that we do not have anyone. Do we not already feel that when we see happy couples walking down the street, families playing in the park, babies in busboy's strolling down the sidewalk with yummy mummies????

I just don't get it. As my father once said to my mother " Why do I need to be told when I should tell you that I love you? Everyday should be Valentine's Day!" He is a long standing Anti-Valentine's Day activist. It gives me hope that even though he has been in a relationship and marriage for my mother for over 30 years, he is still not a fan of the big V-Day. I was worried that as I approached my 30s maybe I was becoming single bitter girl. Not a pleasant person to be and someone that I never want to be.

And just to make it perfectly clear - I do not want to go to a "Singles Mingle", "An-anti-valentines day party", or a girls night out, so that I can pretend to say, essencially F+++ you to the happy couples out there. Would it not be feeding the hallmark frenzy of Valentine's day by participating????

I happily had a migraine, so I went home early, had a nap, woke up, worked for a few hours, watched some tv and went to bed at 1am. A perfectly normal night for me, and rather enjoyable if I do say so myself!

P

My 24 Character Strengths (and weaknesses)

www.authentichappiness.org is a great website for testing your emotional happiness and your strengths and weaknesses. I recently took the Signature Strengths Survey and here are, from my highest core strength, to my lowest the results:

1. Kindness and Generosity
2. Fairness, equity and justice
3. Forgiveness and mercy
4. Gratitude
5. Leadership
6. Creativitiy, ingenuity and originality
7. Judgement, critical thinking and open mindness
8. Citizenship, teamwork and loyalty
9. Humor and playfulness
10. Appreciation of beauty and excellence
11. Perspective (wisdom)
12. Curosity and interest in the world
13. Social intelligence
14. Love of Learning
15. Capacity to love and be loved
16. Caution, prudence and discretion
17. Zest, enthusiasm and energy
18. Hope, optimisim and future mindedness
19. Industry, dillidence and perseverance
20. Bravery and valor
21. Honesty, authenticity and genuineness
22. Spirituality, sense of purpose and faith
23. Modesty and humility
24. Self-control and self-regulation

There it is. The lovely list of 24. Things to be proud of, things to work on.

Princess

Project Runway Update

So my friends O, R and I, got together last night to watch the 3 episodes of Project Runway that I had storred on my PVR waiting for this night. Some observations on Project Runway:

1. Lupe was kicked off. Thank God. We don't like Lupe. She was always bothering the others and sticking her nose in everyones business. Plus her dress was ugly!!!!
2. I love Emmet. he is my new secret gay boyfriend. He is just so adorable and well mannered. I love him.
3. Santino is an ass. A true ass if I have ever seen one. He is conceited, a mean egomaniac, and not a nice person. Yes he is talented, but he is an ass. I want him to go, but he is good tv and other than the lingerie collection (which sucked) he is a fabulous designer. An ass--- but a great designer.
4. Poor Daniel V. The man is like me in that he is a control freak and works to the last minute on everything. He went home, but he made it much farther than anyone excpected. Plus he is uber-talented!
5. Nick is my secret gay boyfriend number 2. I hope that he makes it to the end. Plus he is a fab designer.

We will reconvene in 2 weeks to watch the lovely two episodes that I will take this week and next.

Life Goal and living vicariously through other peoples blogs

oh, my life is pathetic. Since I was a child, I have wanted a baby. Not just a baby, but a family. A loving husband and children that I could love and adore and spoil and do everything that is built in me lately. I know that I am having a "women's week" this week as it is just about the only thing that I can think about and it is driving me insane. I even found myself googling "having a baby alone/single" and sent myself into a huge tizzy. It was not good. I have realized, when my friend who just had twins, and I were chatting and I said to her that I just wanted to have a baby of my own, she responded "Well have you considered having a baby on your own??". I am only 29. Am I already a lost cause in her eye?. Am I truly never going to find someone and she knows it? I know that she was trying to be helpful, but how fucking depressing and hurtful. Here she is with two gorgeous little girls, and I am having a fucking melt down!!

I know that I have issues, but I would make a great mother and wife. I had some girls for dinner last night and one of them said I will make the perfect wife. I know I will. Just who wants me? When is the time that one says to oneself "OK, so I know that I am not going to find anyone and I really want this, so lets get pregnant." I realize that it is not so much just the baby that I want but the whole package. The partner, the house and the baby with the cute Bugaboo stroller. Someone that I can share life with. I just can't make it happen.

On the note of other people giving up on me - my mother openly told me last week that she has given up on my finding anyone! My own mother. She has now quite happily moved on to my sisters and is hoping that one of them will produce some sort of grandchild and a wedding. Apparently in her eyes, no one will want me. Do I wonder why my inner critic is so negative??? Its the voice of my parents!!!

Anyway I meant for this message to go to the issue that I am currently having: which is the deflection of this desire to have children with the following of random blogs of families and babies that are around. My current reading list includes:

http://nualahk.blogspot.com/ Super cute, little girl, who's perfect parents live in Hong Kong with her. She is gorgeous and so are the parents. The Papa is particularly adorable. I want their life. Is this too much to ask?

www.babychic101.com Great baby stuff, new and hip that is awesome. Did I mention that I don't have a baby and so, why on earth am I spending time here???

www.urbanbaby.com these people send me e-mail's everyday about the fabulous life of having children in NYC. Did I mention that a. I don't have kids b. I don't live in NYC. What is wrong with me????

www.chicmama.com this is another one of those daily e-mail things. This one is at least located in Toronto. What makes it even more scary is that I could actually do these things and I think about it. I would need to borrow a baby or two!

So I don't know how to make this better, but something has to change! What is a girl who wants something more than anything she has ever wanted to do???

love the spa!!!!

ok, it was lovely. The Hammam Spa was fantastic. Expensive, but fantastic! The steam room was lovely, and the massage was great!!! Nicole the RMT was good. Still not as good as my woman at the last city I lived in, and 3 times as expensive, but alright. Its worth the visit.

They sometimes have deals on www.wayspa.ca so its worth having a look!

Princess

New Spa

After all of the lovely moving, unloading fiasco of my shit at my parents, I have decided to book a massage. I am going to a new spa www.hammamspa.ca. It looks lovely and is so exciting. I can't wait. I am going to go and take in the Hammam Experience. SO EXCITING! I will report on it tomorrow.

P

The trial that is my parents.....

Yes, we love them and treasure them and always want to thank them for the great job that they did raising us, but sometimes we want to kill them. The innocuous relationship of adult children and their parents.

I find it particularly interesting if you have young, demanding parents like myself. They are too close to my age and I can't do anything right. We had a huge fight on Sunday and I have been asked to remove everything out of their 4000+ square foot home. Did anyone tell them that there are just 2 of them living in that gargantuan mansion and that my little closet full of shit is not the end of the world?

My father actually threatened me with throwing out all of my shit if I did not get it out by the time he got home yesterday. So now it is all in my little car and I am so distraught I am not sure what to do. It is like, my life is not working. I have all of this shit that I can't deal with in my car. Can I drive the little SUV for ever with only enough space for me???? Would that be socially acceptable???? Would someone eventually break in and steal it all??? At this point I would take it.

Anyway I just can's face it. I am trying. I might just try and deal with a bit everyday and see how long it takes. A lot of it is shit and I am prepared to purge. Maybe I will start today? We shall see. I should take a picture of it and post it. You would not believe it.

On another note, I do not think that I will be spending any more time with the rental units for a while. I am sorry that I am not an investment banker, doctor, lawyer, or any other high powered professional, but I am making the world a better place in my own little way. (If I repeat that too myself all the time, do you think eventually I will believe it???)

Princess

Poor Paris!

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=1576953

I actually do feel incredibly sorry for Paris Hilton. Some shmuk has bought the contents of an old storage locker that she had. Apparently the jerk is looking to sell her personal pictures and diaries for $20 Million. The news article states that she didn't pay her storage fees, goes to show you that no matter how much money you have, you still can forget to pay your bills! Don't tell me that the owner of the storage facility was not just looking for his opprotunity to sell those contents for more than he has probably seen in his whole life. She trusted him and he did this!

Don't ask me why this has made me so irrate, it just has. i can't believe it! Usually the girl drives me insane and today I feel sorry for her. Who knew!

Promises made to the twins

Writing a letter to the twin girls that have recently entered my life..... I was torn about what to write and ended up promising them a few things:

• to always have an open door, warm meal and a listening ear for anything that you may need
• to build you a fabulous collection of dress up chlothes over the years
• to have anything you want to borrow in pink, always
• to inject some princess exposure whenever necessary
• to teach you that it is always better to give than to recieve
• to spoil you as much as possible
• to be a good friend
• to take you for manicures, pedicures and girl time whenever possible
• to play often, laugh often and have fun always

I thought that it was too the point. The father is not going to be happy with my princess comment, but for god's sake, he won't even let them wear pink. Its all trucks and navy blue. THEY ARE GIRLS! GIRLS WEAR PINK! I am dropping off the gifts tonight too: 2 girl dolls (careful, they may not be allowed in the house, they are wearing pink!), 2 sets of booties that i knit, a framed photo of both grandmothers and the great grandmother at a shower that i hosted.

i hope that they like them and that the kids are awake and they let me touch them. I may not have children, but I have looked after a lot of babies. I hope one day he sees that (the father that is!)

Princess