Life Goal and living vicariously through other peoples blogs

oh, my life is pathetic. Since I was a child, I have wanted a baby. Not just a baby, but a family. A loving husband and children that I could love and adore and spoil and do everything that is built in me lately. I know that I am having a "women's week" this week as it is just about the only thing that I can think about and it is driving me insane. I even found myself googling "having a baby alone/single" and sent myself into a huge tizzy. It was not good. I have realized, when my friend who just had twins, and I were chatting and I said to her that I just wanted to have a baby of my own, she responded "Well have you considered having a baby on your own??". I am only 29. Am I already a lost cause in her eye?. Am I truly never going to find someone and she knows it? I know that she was trying to be helpful, but how fucking depressing and hurtful. Here she is with two gorgeous little girls, and I am having a fucking melt down!!

I know that I have issues, but I would make a great mother and wife. I had some girls for dinner last night and one of them said I will make the perfect wife. I know I will. Just who wants me? When is the time that one says to oneself "OK, so I know that I am not going to find anyone and I really want this, so lets get pregnant." I realize that it is not so much just the baby that I want but the whole package. The partner, the house and the baby with the cute Bugaboo stroller. Someone that I can share life with. I just can't make it happen.

On the note of other people giving up on me - my mother openly told me last week that she has given up on my finding anyone! My own mother. She has now quite happily moved on to my sisters and is hoping that one of them will produce some sort of grandchild and a wedding. Apparently in her eyes, no one will want me. Do I wonder why my inner critic is so negative??? Its the voice of my parents!!!

Anyway I meant for this message to go to the issue that I am currently having: which is the deflection of this desire to have children with the following of random blogs of families and babies that are around. My current reading list includes:

http://nualahk.blogspot.com/ Super cute, little girl, who's perfect parents live in Hong Kong with her. She is gorgeous and so are the parents. The Papa is particularly adorable. I want their life. Is this too much to ask?

www.babychic101.com Great baby stuff, new and hip that is awesome. Did I mention that I don't have a baby and so, why on earth am I spending time here???

www.urbanbaby.com these people send me e-mail's everyday about the fabulous life of having children in NYC. Did I mention that a. I don't have kids b. I don't live in NYC. What is wrong with me????

www.chicmama.com this is another one of those daily e-mail things. This one is at least located in Toronto. What makes it even more scary is that I could actually do these things and I think about it. I would need to borrow a baby or two!

So I don't know how to make this better, but something has to change! What is a girl who wants something more than anything she has ever wanted to do???